party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
