I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
