How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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