he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
