I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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