hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
