I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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