It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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