well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
