When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
