Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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