the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
