Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
