Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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