Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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