hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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