I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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