I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
