This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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