1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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