i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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