Kiss
Puke
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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