My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize