One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
