How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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