***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
