Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
