im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize