Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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