We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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