Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
