I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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