If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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