at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
