somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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