Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize