she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
