you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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