This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
