I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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