The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
