Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
