I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
