I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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