just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
