I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
