walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
