Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
