two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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