Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
