I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
