Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
