I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
