The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
