I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
