I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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