You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
