I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
