My liver just broke up with me...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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