Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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