Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
